I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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