i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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