His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
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