I swear she didn't look like that last week.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
