The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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