I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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