Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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