I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
