Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Randomize
