Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
