She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
i drank out of a bidet.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Randomize
