There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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