Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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