I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
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