ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
