New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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