maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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