I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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