just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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