You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
