I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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