Fine. I'll sleep in my office
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
