3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
