i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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