Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
