She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
