I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
We don't watch enough power rangers
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
