Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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