Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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