Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
