you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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