I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
