I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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