You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
