I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
