"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Randomize
