Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Randomize
