We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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