i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
He's a Shit stain on my heart
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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