I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
