My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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