Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
