im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Randomize
