we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
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