Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
