I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
