i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
