I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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