He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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