I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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