Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
