if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
